Lord of the Deodorant
by Zeech
Summary: In about three seconds, all of Middle Earth will be destroyed by the evil (smelling) Saruman. Who will save us now? Only the Lone Ranger, Aragorn son of Bob, and his disgruntled but heroic friends (the fellowship) can!
1. tale of a tragically drunken elf

**The Lord of the Deodorant **

**Chapter one**

it has fallen from the hands of the most likely person imaginable and into the hands of anyone the discovers it. It must be found.

"For that is how it all began. A simple girl from the world above, or the Future as our people have come to call it, found a portal to our Middle Earth through a broken pad on a treadmill. The second she found it she had decided to apply some of her anti-perspirant deodorant; yet as she gazed into the small reflection of our world, the device slipped through her sweat slicked fingers (she _had_ been working out) and into our world. We soon pulled her in after – asking her of where she found this portal and what happened to the deodorant. She only broke into tears and told us she had nothing to say, for she knew nothing.

'We believed her, and allowed her some time alone in some chambers of her own. Galadriel alone knew the devastating power of this deodorant, and she relayed the message to Lord Elrond, and he to myself. You see, Aragorn son of Bob, it may seem a simple device of self-hygiene, but to one Saruman, it is the key to all his dreams come true.

'Saruman lives far in the mountains of Merlainia – in a tall tower where he breeds Orcs and tries to invent new TV dinners and slushy flavors and fails pitifully in his attempts. You see, unlike most creatures in the land of Middle Earth, Saruman reeks. He has two large opposing powers within himself – his magic and deceiving words can bring even the strongest-willed Elf under his control, but his unimaginable stench can quickly change the mind of anyone and have the will of the people repelling him so far from society that not even his magic could bring him back.

'Should he get hold of this he will certainly use it in the most treacherous of ways, such as under his arms. Then what is to become of us?" Gandalf had paused to glance out the window of Aragorn's current residence – a small one-roomed apartment in the under floors of Bree. 

Aragorn blinked at the wizard, then stood firmly. "Worry not, Gandalf! For I alone, Aragorn son of Bob will hunt this menace down and destroy it! For I am the Lone Ranger and I will not let evil prevail in this beautiful…land…and…" Aragorn trailed off, **ripped his sword from it's sheath and dove through his window, whooping and hollering**. Gandalf shook his head and brought a hand to his brow, and moved to the broken window, shards of glass catching on his grey cloak. 

"Are you alright, Aragorn son of Bob?"

There was a faint groan, a grunt, and then Gandalf saw Aragorn get to his feet once again. He turned and held a hand up. "Quite, Gandalf." he whistled shrilly and a horse was instantly at his side. The old wizard watched as his friend straddled it's back, and the horse reared, neighing faithfully. As Aragorn road off into the setting sun, Gandalf thought he heard the Human yell, "Heigh Hoe, Silver! Away!"

--- --- --- 

It was not long before Aragorn realized he had no idea where he was going, but decided that eventually he would circle the globe and come to something somewhere. Silver was trotting along softly when suddenly there was a sharp twang and something whizzed past his head. 

Aragorn fell from his horse and onto the ground when the second arrow shot past him. Silver moved to the side and shook his head, but did not seem afraid. It was already late, and the sun had long gone behind the horizon, so it was a little difficult for Aragorn to see his attacker. His fear had drained, however, since it seemed the attacker was hitting everything _but_ him. 

"Who goes there?" he demanded, but another arrow, this one _way_ off, was his only reply. After a minute he heard the soft twang of a guitar and some slurred but musical words to follow that seemed to come from inside the grove of trees. He quickly lit a torch up went to investigate. "Hello?"

The musical words turned to sobbing – directly behind him, and he swiveled around. His light betrayed a figure sprawled against the base of a tree, a guitar in one of his green clad arms and a bow at his side. A bottle was tucked under his arm and his hand covered his brow. When the light struck his ivory skin he removed his hand from his face and quickly looked at Aragorn with wide eyes with tears at their brims, then he let out a cry. 

"Good Lord, where did you come from?" he demanded, words slurred and his long blond hair disheveled. Almost immediately after his question, "Oh it doesn't matter I suppose. It doesn't matter at all, nothing matters – I'm ugly, I'm weak, all I have is my music.."

Aragorn's eyebrow raised high on his forehead and he suddenly felt very aware of his own masculinity. "Emm…Are you drunk, my good….Elf?"

The beautiful man before him shot him a glare through dulled blue eyes. He held his wine close to his chest and shook his head violently at Aragorn. "Do I look drunk, my good man? I am an Elf! Elves do not…get…drunk.." he began sobbing again, tears streaming down his fair cheeks and he curled up into a little ball, chin to his chest. He took a long swig of whatever he had in the bottle and picked up his guitar, singing brokenly and clumsily strumming. After a minute he just cried, face in hands, and he rambled about all that he hated of himself. "I'm weak…and…and…I can no longer hit my targets…"

Aragorn found out in the ramblings of the Elf that his name was Legolas. He was at one point in his life the finest, bravest archer in all the land, a valiant warrior, and an expert poker player but one day he fell in love and lost his knack for anything masculine.

"Who was this fair damsel that has broken your heart into cold shards, my good Legolas?" Aragorn asked him, now crouched in front of his and watching him thoughtfully. He didn't particularly care of this man's crushed love life, but the fact that this Elf had once been a great warrior had piqued his curiosity. Perhaps if he had a reason to live, he could be of some use.

Legolas shook his head and was about to take another swig, but Aragorn pulled the bottle from him. "It was not a fair damsel, foolish man, it was the most dangerous temptation imaginable…**the music of the night**. I heard a guitar strumming quietly in the breeze, so I went to see what the beautiful sound was.." he choked on a sob, but continued on. "The lad playing the guitar offered it to me and I took it, but as soon as I put my hands on it he stole my self-esteem."

Aragorn's eyebrow was at his hairline now. That explained much of this poor creature's sorrows. 

"Now I have nothing but this guitar and my dear wine. I am ruined!" Legolas cried, new tears taking their paths down his face. 

Aragorn shook his head and reached out, fingers on Legolas' chin and pulling his head to face him. "Do stop crying, Elf friend." Aragorn said, patting him on the shoulder. "We'll find your self esteem. It is still out there and waits to be found." He thought a minute, then turned to Legolas again. Legolas was looking up at him from under light brows and teary blue eyes. "Why do you not join my quest? I could use your archery skills, and on the way we may perhaps find your self-esteem!"

Legolas sniffled a little, and Aragorn handed him a hankerchief. "You would let me join you?"

Aragorn smiled. "What are Lone Rangers for?"

Legolas' eyebrow quirked a little in puzzlement. "For being alone?"

Aragorn's own eyebrow hit his hairline this time, but he ignored it and held out a hand. "I am Aragorn son of Bob. I am on a quest for the lost deoderant."

"Deoderant?"

"Yes." Aragorn looked keenly to the side, as though seeing something of some great distance away, his hand on the hilt of his sword and the wind slightly picking up the ends of his hair. Legolas wasn't sure if it was his imagination or not but he swore he heard some kind of cliché hero music in the air. "I have sworn to find this deoderant and destroy it, and all who use it for evil purposes. Death itself would have to pull me from this valiant quest, my dear Elf."

"What about a pierogi?" 

Aragorn looked down at Legolas, then back to the sky (the music had paused, but continued). "Should we encounter a pierogi, my good Elf, we must do our best to resist it's…meaty goodness." 

Aragorn turned to Legolas and extended a hand. The Elf looked about him, sniffled and wiped his eyes, then gathered his bottle, guitar and bow up. Aragorn helped him to his feet, and Legolas looked at his bottle of wine with a heartbroken expression, then cast it into the woods. 

"Let us go, Legolas the Archer." Aragorn lead his way to Silver, and both men mounted it. Aragorn had feared that it would be too heavy for Silver to carry the both of them, but as it turned out, Legolas was like most Elves and weighed less than a tic-tac.

"What is your horses name, Aragorn son of Bob?" Legolas asked him, a little brighter maybe, but his voice still sounded dull and disappointed.

"His name is Heigh Ho Silver. He is quite the steed." Aragorn said with a proud grin, feeling his spine elongate as he sat straighter. "A proud carrier of the Lone Ranger."

"I'll bet his pride has dropped considerably since he has become the carrier of myself." Came Legolas' voice from behind him. Aragorn began to worry. 

"Nonsense, Elf friend Legolas."

"Where are we going?"

Aragorn decided that the alcohol was having an influence on the Elf so he simply did not answer. Minutes later he felt the Elf slump against him drunkenly. The ranger could only keep his patience and keep riding on valiantly. 


	2. tale of a starving Hobbit-boyband

Chapter Two 

At approximately 2:00 a.m. (standard fanfic time) Legolas jerked upward and completely erect, his hair going every which way and red mesh marks on his forehead where he had been pressed against Aragorn son of Bob's chain mail. He mentioned to Aragorn that he knew of a short cut through the endless woods that may be of some help to him in his quest for the missing deodorant. It occurred to Aragorn that a short cut had no meaning when they had no real destination, but thought the plot could use some dramatic tension about now.

"Turn left at this red light." Legolas instructed, moving one of his slender arms past Aragorn and pointing to an intersection of roads and trees and such. Aragorn looked around but saw no red light. Legolas insisted it where there, and sure enough, Aragorn looked above and saw a red light burning in the middle of the forest. It flickered and licked at the leaves around it, and the Lone Ranger became suspicious and peered closer. It was indeed no stoplight – it was a campfire left burning in the middle of nowhere!

"My good Elf, your vision is keen and flawless – what do you see around that abandoned camp fire?" he asked, moving to the side so that he could face Legolas and see the fire at the same time. The Elf narrowed his eyes as well, shrugged, and then pulled a pair of wire rims from his quiver. 

"I see…midgets." Legolas said simply, folding his glasses back up and putting them away. "Little midgets. I believe I heard them singing, Aragorn."

"Midgets that sing.." Aragorn drew his sword and slid off of Silver. Legolas stumbled after him and half-heartedly bent his bow and fit an arrow into it. He made sure he was for the most part _behind_ the Lone Ranger. Suddenly there was a click from somewhere in the trees, and another. Then an ear-splitting animal cry as two of the midgets swung from ropes made of napkins that were tied to the branches of a tall pine tree, and two other midgets charged their legs. 

Aragorn back up into Legolas, who quickly regained his footing and aimed his weapons at the midgets. 

"Who are you?" Aragorn inquired bluntly, eyes wide with shock. Whoever these little short people were they had to be crazy to attack two people twice their size. "What business do you have here, and why did you leave your fire burning?"

One of the half lings dropped it's sharp sticks and threw it's hands up in the air. "We surrender!"

"Pippin it's four against two – pick up your weapon!" Merry whispered, and the younger Hobbit did as he was told, though very reluctantly. 

"Your short friend is right." Aragorn warned, quickly falling into a ready position with his sword and not seeing how offended the Hobbits had become. "Surrendering is the best option – I am the best swordsman on this side of the Rio Grande and I have here with me the finest archer in the land!"

From the corner of his eye it looked as though Legolas gave a shudder, and he nudged Aragorn in the ribs. "But…Aragorn, I cannot hit a target!" The Elf looked as though he may start crying an second.

"Just play along!" Aragorn hissed at him, but the Hobbits showed no reaction. If they heard him, they didn't care. "Surrender, my vertically challenged opponents!"

"You underestimate us, Human!" The one called Frodo declared, suddenly jumping on Samwise's shoulder's. Pippin hopped up onto Merry's shoulders, and the four Hobbit's suddenly became the equivalent of two Men. They unsheathed their spoons and attacked. 

Aragorn didn't want to hurt anyone, so he put his sword away and drew a spoon of his own from a sheath on his body somewhere, and Legolas (nearly in tears) replaced his arrows with spoons. Frodo and Sam quickly came to be a match for Aragorn, and Pippin and Merry already had Legolas surrendering and sobbing uncontrollably. 

With a kick, Frodo knocked the spoon from Aragorn's hands and jabbed his own spoon at the Lone Ranger's open throat. "Do you surrender?"

"Legolas, do something!" Aragorn shouted as the two Hobbit's jabbed at him with a spoon. The other two, Merry and Pippin, had found Legolas completely harmless and joined Sam Frodo in the jabbing of spoons. Aragorn, in his desperation, picked up a squirrel and block the spoon's blows. "Legolas, your bow! You can do it if you just believe in yourself!"

The Elf sniffled a little and climbed to his feet, bent his bow and then suddenly began firing plastic utensils (he was not sure where his arrows were at the time) and other household items at the Hobbits – aiming straight for their little Hobbit hearts. Aragorn lay there with the spoons disregarded around his body ( and the squirrels unconscious) and his jaw gaping in awe Legolas' speed. 

"Legolas, you _are _the finest archer in all the land!" he said as he dusted himself off, looking at the Hobbits that were pinned to the trees by their little shirts and knickers. Aragorn turned to look at Legolas, expecting to find a newfound faith in the Elf and self confidence – instead Legolas cried. "My good archer, you defeated the Hobbits! What could possibly vex thee?"

"I'm fast, yes," Legolas sobbed, rubbing his eyes and sniffling as he pointed to the Hobbits. "But I cannot hit anything! I was aiming for their hearts."

Aragorn could only pat his new friend's back. "At least you hit somewhere within a ten foot radius of the targets."

Legolas wailed.

--- --- --- 

The evil wizard banged his fist on the table so hard that his Love My Nails kit scattered to the floor. Saruman scowled as he gazed into his magic paperweight. 

"Gollum! Come here!" he called, and a nicely dressed yet very old creature thing walked into the room with a pack of Virginia Slims in his pocket. The wizard paid no heed to his oddity and clenched his fists in anger, turning to the creature Gollum. "They're all standing around and singing! What could they possibly be up to, Baegel?!"

Gollum, or Baegel as he was once known, looked into the magic paperweight. "It looks like they are standing around and singing, my lord."

Saruman would have hit Gollum if he had not been so deep in thought. "They're hiding something." He looked to the creature in the suit and saw that Gollum was choking. "What is it now, you vial creature?" he hurled Gollum's inhaler medication at it. "Asthma again?!"

But Gollum was unconscious. He should have seen the pattern years ago when all of his Orcs died – it was his terrible stench. 

_I must find a way to get my hands on this deodorant._ he thought, and the wheels in his evil mind twirled and twirled like drunken elephants in little pink tutus. _And that Lone Ranger knows where it is. I must find him. _

"Gollum! I have a job for you!"

--- --- ---

"Sorry for the spoon attack." Frodo said as he shoved a piece of bread into his mouth. "We thought you were coming to attack us for making a fire in the woods." 

Aragorn sat back and watched the Hobbits eat. "Why would we attack you?"

"We thought you were that…bear."

This piqued the Lone Ranger's curiosity. "What bear, Pippin?"

"Smokey the Bear!" Pippin piped up, and was quickly swatted at by Merry. Aragorn said nothing, just raised an eyebrow to his hairline again. 

"Okay."

It was silent for about five minutes, then, "Why do not the four of you join our quest?" Aragorn offered, feeling that valiant tingle reach his chest again. 

"A quest for what?" Sam asked.

"To find the missing deodorant – a force so terrible that it could give the evil Saruman chance to enslave the world. And I, well, myself and Legolas, must stop him!" The Lone Ranger was now standing tall, the light of the fire dancing on him. Only silence followed.

Finally, "Who's Saruman?"

Aragorn just stared at the Hobbits, bewildered. "The evil wizard…Saruman…the one that lives in the towers of Isengard?"

Blank stare.

"White hair?"

Blank stare.

"Very long, usually manicured nails?"

Broken silence.

"Didn't we see a chap like that at Winn Dixie?" Sam asked Frodo, and the two Hobbit's regarded each other for a moment in recollection.

"The one that stank to high heaven?" Pippin asked, and Merry followed up with,

"The one that made the produce section die?"

"That's the guy!" Aragorn said proudly, unsheathing his sword. "So what is your decision, my vertically challenged friends?"

The Hobbits glanced at one another, and then at him. 

"Hell no."

Aragorn felt his heart drop. "No? Why not?"

"Well, for one, we are not the adventurous type. You see," Frodo paused and signaled for his friends to stand with him. "We are a starving medieval boy band called 'High Places'. We're waiting for our record to platinum and then we will attempt flight without the aid of an aircraft!"

"An aircraft?" Legolas' voice came from somewhere in the darkness. It sounded soft and broken hearted – clearly he had just finished another crying session (and bottle of wine). "What is an aircraft?"

"Honestly?" Merry shrugged. "We don't know, but it's an exciting name, no doubt."

"There is just one problem." Frodo said with a disappointed note. "We have no talent. How can our record go platinum if we have no talent?" 

Aragorn's eyebrow was once again at his hairline. "What I want to know is how a record can go platinum when it hasn't even been written yet?"

Frodo shrugged and once again dropped to the ground with his friends. "Our hopes and dreams have gone poof! out the window."

"But that cannot be! Surely you have talent! All boy bands have talent." Aragorn said cheerily, hoping that his words would mean something to these sad Hobbits. "Well not all boy bands. But I'm sure you four have lots of it!"

"It's our dream to become like N'Stink or the Backside Boys." Merry said, a little unmerrily (stop the **pun**ishment!). "They are truly talented!"

"Nonsense!" Aragorn said, pulling them all up on their feet. "If they can get away with shaking their hips and implying sexual actions while making gut wrenching noises in their throats, so can you! It's like I said to my good friend Legolas the Elf: all you have to do is believe in yourself!"

"But…Legolas is wallowing in self pity.." Pippin pointed out, and Aragorn found nothing to do but agree. 

"I suppose we could join your quest, Lone Ranger friend." Frodo said, holding out hand and shaking Aragorn's. "I am Frodo Baggins of Bag End. My uncle, Bilbo J. Baggins left it to me when he went to the nursing home. These are my friends Merry, Pippin, and my interior decorator Samwise."

"I am Aragorn son of Bob." Aragorn said, then turned to Legolas and pulled the Elf to his feet, but ended up carrying him. "This is Legolas the archer – but you already met him."

And so they all mounted Silver: Aragorn in front with Legolas sleeping soundly behind him, and the four hobbits lined up behind him. 

And into the dawn they rode!


	3. tale of a beautiful maiden trapped in a ...

Chapter Three 

They were not riding long when Legolas awoke once again, finally sober and quite awake. The first thing out of his fair mouth was, 

"Good god!" Silver reared in terror and everyone fell off. Aragorn was first to his feet, and he pulled Legolas up with him, hands twisted in his fair Elven tunic and shaking him roughly. 

"What was that for, you drunken Elf? You nearly killed all of us!" he noticed that Legolas was not looking at him, just upward. He turned around to see a tower that mocked the sky's brilliance with it's height, and at the very top there was a fair maiden. A fair Elf maiden. "I see why you screamed, Legolas…" he murmmured, leaving Legolas with the Hobbits as he approached it.

"Actually, there were ants in my pants.." Legolas said a little to himself, not thinking anyone was really paying attention. "They kept biting me and crawling around."

"Yours too?" Merry asked, and the two turned away to try and rid themselves and their pants of the ants. 

Meanwhile, Aragorn looked up at the window in the tower. "Hello there! Fair maiden, hear my words if you can. Are you alright up there?"

"Yes, I am – will you help me down?" the reply was like a strum of Legolas' guitar on the crisp winter breeze – her voice made the Lone Ranger's heart flutter into a thousand butterflies; all trapped in his stomach. And when she looked down at him (though the distance was far) he nearly drowned in the blueness of her eyes. 

"Dearest Maiden, tell me your name!"

Once again the wind carried her voice to his ear. "Arwen – I set out to find adventure some years ago but was trapped in this tower by the evil Dragon of the North. Will you help me down?"

"I will try my utmost best, my dear! Death itself would have to pull me from this new quest I have received from you!" Aragorn called up, and Legolas was at his side, peering into the tower.

"I say, who is that, Aragorn my friend?"

Aragorn beamed. "An angel, my dear Legolas. I must find a way to get her down, and nothing will stop me!"

"I thought you could only be pulled from the deodorant quest by death or pierogi, friend Aragorn." Legolas reminded him, scratching his head. The Hobbit's were soon at his heels. 

Aragorn blushed a little. "Well I'm sure we have time to help a dear lady down from a tower." he turned back to the tower and shaded his eyes from the glaring sun. "It is not so high, then, is it?" The Hobbits fell over trying to look at it, and Legolas just took a swig of his drink and patted Aragorn on the back. 

They stood there for about five minutes and gazed up at the tower (the Hobbits had stacked themselves up). 

After a minute, Frodo said, "How…umm…how are we going to get her down?"

"A ladder!" exclaimed Pippin from his post at the top of the Hobbit stack. "We can climb a ladder to the fair maiden!"

Merry reached up and smacked him. "And just where do you suppose we're going to find a ladder?! Think before you speak, dolt!"

"I was a middle child!" wailed Legolas from somewhere, and they heard him take a long swig of his drink. "So what if I'm different? Did it really hurt Elrond that I liked crispy glitter?!" Aragorn and the Hobbits stared for a moment, then drew their attention back to the fair damsel and kept thinking.

"I've got it!" Sam said out of the silence, and all heads turned to look at him. He opened his mouth, paused, then closed it again. "I forgot."

A groan went through the five of them. Somewhere in the distance a cricket chriped, and the sound of rushing water boomed in the silence. And the hours passed like days, only glances and shrugs were exchanged between the Hobbits and humans. 

A little ways off, Legolas was arguing with an odd-looking Peanut Salesman.

"It's preposterous! You cannot possibly be going to Albertsons!" he leaned in and whispered harshly, "It does not exist yet!"

"I don't care, allow me to pass!" the peanut salesman demanded. It looked like a creature more than a person, except the fact that it was dressed in a clean-cut suit and had it's thin white hair combed off to the side and it's long skinny fingers wrapped around a briefcase. But it had the face of an old woman. "Move, Elf! I must speak with the Lone Ranger!"

Legolas shook his head and stood his ground; not out of bitterness, just because he could feel something strange about this Peanut Salesman. "I am sorry, miss, but I cannot let even a harmless old woman pass – for my friend Aragorn is deep in thought."

The old woman/creature growled a little. "And if I do pass? What will you do about it? Cry me to death, you useless piece of guitar playing Elf?!"

Legolas' bottom lip trembled a little, but he stood his ground still. His voice shook with hurt as he spoke, and he sniffled and blinked back tears. "What do you want to speak with him about?"

"I want to sell him some peanuts, of course!" he shoved Legolas to the side. "Out of my way!"

Suddenly there was a little poke in the peanut salesman's back, and he/she turned to see Legolas with his bow bent, and two arrows aimed at it's kidneys. Just at that moment Aragorn jogged up with the Hobbit's trailing him. 

"What is this, Legolas? Why are you threatening this old woman?" he asked, wrapping his fingers around Legolas' arrows and pulling them off to the side. The Elf just looked from Aragorn to the oldwoman…thing and back again. "What do you want, you old crone?"

The peanut salesman pulled out some peanuts and shoved them into Aragorn's palm. "Here. Eat that." Aragorn looked down at the nuts he was given, then peered closer into the face of the salesman. It was not her/his real face, but a paper plate tied to the thing's head!

 "You fraud!" he shouted, tearing the paper plate off and casting it aside. "Baegel! You foul creature!" He threw the peanuts down onto the ground, and when they hit they turned into little mini-grenades and exploded. "They were wretched with poison! I should cut you down to size right here, right now, vial aberration!"

Gollum just kind of stood there, and Legolas bent his bow and Aragorn drew his sword and the Hobbits pulled their spoons out. It was definitely a stand-off. 

Then, suddenly, Gollum pointed to somewhere behind them, "What's that?! It's horrible!" 

All the warriors turned with their weapons aimed at whatever Gollum pointed at (which happened to be the _real_ peanut salesman) but realized there was nothing horrible there. Feeling quite dull-witted, they all turned on Gollum again, but he had fled. They saw his little form running off into the forrest.

"Legolas! Pursue him!" Aragorn commanded, and the Elf half-heartedly sprang up on Silver like any other two ounce Elf and followed Baegol into the forrest. The Hobbits and Aragorn looked after him, until he disappeared behind the corner of the trees. 

"Hello?" cried Arwen from the tower. "Are you going to help me down?"

"Yes, we will, my dear lady!" Aragorn shouted up to her. "As soon as we find a way!"

"Well while we're waiting for your friend Legolas," offered the maiden in the tower, "Let us play charades!"

--- --- --- 

Legolas was so somewhat passionate about his pursue of Gollum that he accidently ran Silver into the very middle of a deep river. The water swallowed the horse and rider up to the neck of Silver, and the cold water flooded up the Elf's legs and finally met him at waist height. Gollum was nowhere to be seen. 

"I told you I was useless, Silver," he said, steering the horse into the direction of the bank. "I can't even concentrate on the road!"  The horse snorted and made other frusterated horsey noises. Eventually he bucked Legolas off, but it didn't make much of a difference because the water broke his fall and he never even went under.

They both crawled up the bank, cold, wet and shaking. The horse sat it's rear down first and Legolas followed, resting his chin on his palm. Something creaked in the distance, and it made Legolas move swiftly to his feet. Well, a little less than swiftly in truth, seeing as how his pants were now wet and tighter than before (ladies control yourselves!). 

Suddenly, "What is an Elf doing by the Red Rivers?"

"I don't know!"

"Well ask him!"

Legolas spun around with the speed of summer lightening, the ends of his hair sending a little helicopter effect of water all over the place. He fumbled around for his bow and quiver, but it was not on his back. He had left them with Aragorn! He backed away from the two brothers watching him.

"I am the guardian of the Red Rivers, Elf." the bigger one, Boromir said, bowing swiftly. "This is my brother. Faramir. You must know that you're on sacred grounds, my good Elf." Faramir waved, but Boromir stepped up and drew his sword. 

Legolas shook his head and shoved his hands in his oh-too-tight-pockets. "I umm…no, I didn't know. You see this horse and I were pursuing the creature Baegel…and we fell in…I think."

Boromir made a face and reeled back into Faramir. "The creature Baegel? Was _that_ what we smelled, brother?" 

Faramir nodded. "I believe so, brother. But wherever he may have been he is long gone now." he pointed to Legolas and Silver. "What do we do with that chap?"

"I don't know."

"Well think of something!"

Boromir looked up to the sky to think for a minute when he heard the pounding of hoofs on Earth and turned around to see that the Elf had fled. His horse was swimming across the river, and he was following it. Boromir and Faramir exchanged glances, then whistled for their horses and followed him.

--- --- ---

"Where's Legolas?"

"He'll be back, pay attention Pippin!" Aragorn told the hobbit, and they all focused on Frodo again. He had his arms out to the sides and had little branches in his hands – and he was holding perfectly still. Aragorn narrowed his eyes in concentration. "Are you a peanut salesman, Frodo?"

The hobbit rolled his eyes. "Keep guessing."

"A rat!" Arwen called from the tower. 

"No!" Frodo called back. 

Sam was cooking and thinking at the same time. The contents in the frying pan gave him an idea, "Are you an egg?"

Frodo exhaled through his nose in frusteration. "No! I am _not_ an egg, I'm not! Do I _look_ like an egg, Sam?!" Sam just stared at him and drooled a little, then went back to his cooking. Merry was tracing ideas in the dirt with a spoon. Pippin was leaning on Merry and staring at Sam's food and Aragorn could not stop thinking of the Lady Arwen. 

Arwen wasn't sure what she was doing; all she knew was that whatever the numbskulls (and extremely handsome ranger) were doing down there it was taking a long time. She leaned over the window and called out the Lone Ranger below.

"My good Lone Ranger, you are the bravest man I have met in these lands…but tell me: when are you going to rescue me from this tower?" she tried to see if she could see down a little further, but the tower was just too high up. "My dear ranger, can you hear a word I'm saying?"

Aragorn looked up, "M'lady, if Legolas comes back empty handed then I shall climb the tower myself and bring you back down!"

Arwen's heart jumped. "You would do that for me?"

"Of course, my m'lady!"

Arwen smiled brilliantly and clasped her hands together. "Oh, I feel so happy…I would kiss you right now, if I were not so high up in this dreadful tower!"

Aragorn passed out.


	4. tale of a another member joining the que...

Chapter Four 

"Aragorn!" Frodo slapped the Ranger's face gently several times, and he groaned, then sat up. "Aragorn, what happened?"

"Oh, Frodo.." he breathed, looking up to the tower where Arwen leaned over with a look of concern on her face. "I can't believe it…I'm in love.."

Frodo rolled his eyes. "I can. Get on your feet, you don't want to make a fool of yourself, do you?" He pulled the Ranger to his feet (well, pushed, sort of…) and dusted him off. "Now, let us get back to trying to figure out how to get this tart out down from there!"

Aragorn held a hand up, his head turning to the side ever so slightly. "Do you hear that?"

Frodo's ears perked up. "Now that you mention it…it sounds like hoofs…" he frowned in concentration, then brightened. "Perhaps Legolas has returned with Baegol!"  

"I do not think so, friend Hobbit." Aragorn said gravely, looking down to meet Frodo's eyes. "Don't you hear those sobs? It must be Legolas."  

"Well yes, but just because he is crying…again, does not mean he did not capture Gollum." Frodo shrugged and shaded his eyes as Silver approached. His saddle was empty. He trotted up to Aragorn and whined, then snorted.

"Silver, what is it?" Aragorn inquired of his beloved mode of transportation. "Where is the Elf?"

The sobs grew louder in his ears, but suddenly ceased and became only soft whimpers here and there. Then, along the path of the separated trees, a new horse trotted up to them. It carried Legolas, who was seated infront of the another man. Tied up. 

Aragorn suddenly drew his sword and prepared himself for battle, but approached cautiously. "What is this you have done to my Elf friend? Speak!" Legolas choked out a sob once again, his head hanging low and in shame. He did not meet Aragorn's eyes. 

Boromir just looked at Aragorn and then to Legolas, then to Aragorn again. "We…mean no harm to your Elf friend, my good man. He crossed out Red Rivers and we did not know if he was working with the darker forces or not."

Boromir gathered Legolas' bound form in his arms and passed him down to Aragorn, who just stood there with the Elf in his grip. "I thank you for returning him, so we may continue our quest."

"My pleasure.." Boromir said, rather distantly. His gaze was still on Legolas (who, believe it or not, was crying again), and he absently scratched the back of his head. "Interesting chap…is he alright?"

Aragorn nodded. "Of course. You see he has lost his self esteem, and for joining my quest I have sworn to help him get it back." he placed Legolas on the ground and cut the ropes, then sheathed his sword and turned back to Boromir. Legolas shook the ropes off and stumbled away from them.

Aragorn bowed slightly. "I am Aragorn son of Bob. And who might you be?"

"Boromir of the Red Rivers. Well…actually, I am from Gondor, but my brother and I got bored and decided to come down here and guard the Red Rivers."

"Why?"

Boromir shrugged, then looked behind Aargorn. "Who is that, friend?"

Aragorn suddenly remembered the Hobbits, and turned to introduce them. "This is Frodo, Samwise, Merry and Pippin. They are a starving boy band called 'High Places' and they have also joined my quest. The Elf you captured is Legolas, the finest archer in all the land."

"Not anymore!" Legolas called from his slumped position next to the tower Arwen was in. He had another bottle of some kind of alcoholic beverage in his hand, and was taking long, thirsty swigs. Seconds later he became strumming his guitar again, putting his sorrows in words and music.

Aragorn's eyebrow quirked again, and he turned back to Boromir. "My good Boromir, you are strong and valiant. Why not join my quest, like these others have?"

"What quest are you on, Aragorn son of Bob?" Boromir yawned slightly and hopped off his horse. He was tall and manly, and for a minute, Legolas was overtaken with the influence of alcohol and found Boromir…extremely attractive. The Elf blushed and took another swig of booze. 

"I am on a quest for the lost deoderant." Aragorn began, and once again he looked out to the sky with the same distant look, and the wind picked up his hair. The cliché hero music twirled into play and danced with the swirling leaves as the Hobbits, Legolas, and Boromir looked around in an attempt to figure out just what was happening. "I have sworn to find this deoderant and destroy it, and all who use it for evil purposes. Death itself, a pierogi, and the Lady Arwen would have to pull me from this valiant quest."

Boromir raised an eyebrow, feeling a little relieved when the music stopped. "Who is the Lady Arwen?" Boromir saw visible stars shine in the eyes of the Ranger, and Aragorn dreamily pointed a figure into the sky. The Lord of Gondor and the Red Rivers tilted his head back to see Arwen waving to the two of them. His jaw dropped.

"_That_ is the Lady Arwen?" 

"Yes.." Aragorn sighed.

Boromir whistled. "She's cute!" 

There was a sudden kick in the back of the knee to Boromir from Pippin, who dragged the man down far enough to whisper to him, "You're out of character, fool!" Boromir blinked, then nodded and gave the Hobbit and thumbs up and cheesy grin. He looked back up at Arwen with a gaping jaw.

"_That_ is the Lady Arwen?"

"Yes.." sighed Aragorn, and Frodo smacked a hand over his forhead. The poor man was head over heels in love.

"I see…but why is she up there in that dreadfully high tower?" Boromir asked, and Aragorn shrugged his broad shoulders. 

"Actually we don't know." 

"We're just trying to think up a way to get her down!" Frodo called from somewhere; he had to project over Legolas' sweet song. "Perhaps you could help us so we could move on!"

Boromir shrugged once again and paced around the tower, tapped his chin with his forefinger and made little "hmm" noises every now and then. Finally, "Why don't you just use a ladder?"

Pippin made a face at Merry, and Merry slapped a hand over his little face. 

"We do not have one." Aragorn said simply, looking up at the tower. "I am prepared to climb up myself." There was a boom in the distance, and before the seven of them could think of what was happening, a wild mob of Orcs trampled through the trees and snarled, waving their weapons around and making other kinds of screaming noises. 

"Orcs!" Legolas cried, fumbling for his bow. "Aragorn, look! Orcs!" 

"I can see that Legolas!" Aragorn shouted back, gathering two of the Hobbits and getting onto Silver. Boromir had drawn his sword and looked about as manly as possible, preparing to do some damage. But Aragorn had something else in mind. "Boromir, grab the other Hobbits and follow me! We cannot fight them now, we're only three men!"

Boromir looked a little disappointed, but kept his sword out and scooped up Merry, then Pippin. He jumped back onto his horse and galloped past Aragorn, who was gazing up at Arwen. Frodo and Sam were shaking him and begging him to ride away, but he was waving to her. 

"My dear lady, I will return!" he shouted, reaching an arm up to her as if he could touch her. "Fare thee well!"

"My dear Ranger, ride on! The Orcs are almost on you!" Arwen called, waving him away. "You will die if you stay longer!"

"I will stay until you say you love me!" he cried, and Sam and Frodo began writing their wills. "For without those words, I am as good as dead already!"

Arwen's heart fluttered. "Well then, I love you!" she called, and Aragorn smiled broadly. "Now go! Run, or you shall not return in one piece!"  Aragorn, still grinning like christmas, dug his heels into Silver and the horse galloped behind Boromir's. The other man looked at him with almost sympathy, but kept riding on. 

"We have lost them!" Boromir cried, with Pippin infront of him with his little arms locked around his waist and Merry behind him in a similar position. Both Hobbits looked terribly discouraged. "I still say we need to fight them. What if they return? Better to face the music!"

"I disagree with that!" Frodo shouted. 

"Well nobody asked you!"

Frodo did the thing with the eyes and Boromir groaned. "Alright, we wont fight them. But…wait…where is your Elf friend?"

Aragorn blinked out of his Arwen trance, then paled. "We left him behind!" he cried as Boromir turned his horse around and looked outward, down the hill and over to the tower where the crowd of Orcs were now a blur. Merry was hiding under the shield that was strapped to the warrior's back, and Pippin was having a debate in his mind on whether or not it Boromir kept rocks in his pants, or he was just constantly…

"He was a nice lad.." Boromir said softly, and Aragorn sided his horse up to Boromir's. "I would have liked to get to know him better."

"Well.." Aragorn said, a little choked up. "He was always so sad, though." Aargorn lightly dropped the Hobbits from his horse, and Boromir followed his example. "You may get your wish, yet, Boromir." he drew his sword. "Let us go avenge our Elf friend!"

Boromir, who's sword was still drawn, galloped after Aragorn. Both men were whooping and hollaring like battle raged…men and swinging their swords above their heads. Pippin walked next to Merry and Frodo. 

"I suppose it was nice of them not to drag us into battle."

Frodo shrugged. "Sure, why not."

"Psychos.." Sam muttered.

--- --- --- 

Meanwhile, back where Legolas had been abandoned, the Orcs were crowding around him. 

"Look, an Elf!"

"We can see it's an Elf, idiot!"

"I thought it was a woman." 

"Me too."

"Women are yummy."

Legolas had his bow bent and his arrows drawn, aiming at a couple Orcs. He was holding his breath, trying not to start crying again. The Orcs laughed at him and sneered and dared him to shoot, but Legolas simply held his threat. Finally, he dropped his bow and arrows and huddled against the bottom of the tower, sobbing.

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" he bellowed, tears running down his fair face and his arms crossed over his chest. He choked on a few sobs and picked up his once forgotten bottle of booze and started swigging again. "They left me here because they don't care about me! Now you have to be rude as well..." 

The Orcs watched in confusion, just kind of standing there and scratching their heads. 

Legolas, still drinking his booze, picked his guitar up and started strumming whistfully, singing and sipping until all the Orcs sat down with their legs crossed (indian style!) and swayed to the breezy notes. Legolas did not seem to notice.

The sound of pounding hoofs and shouts roused the Orcs, and they looked up. Boromir and Aragorn had now leapt from their horses and were slaying Orcs left and right. Legolas still did not notice. The Orcs, though still greatly outnumbered the two men, picked up their weapons and ran screaming into the woods.

Boromir and Aragorn blinked and exchanged looks of confusion, then shrugged. As if taken by magic, Aragorn's ears perked up to the sound of Legolas' music. They turned around to see the Elf still strumming and singing. Aragorn cried loudly with joy and ran to Legolas, pulling the drunken Elf up in a tight embrace.

"I thought we had lost you, friend Legolas!" he squeezed tighter and Legolas' squeaked, losing his grip on his now empty booze bottle. Boromir picked it up and sniffed the inside, then tossed it to the side.

"He's been drinking.."

"He always does that." Aragorn assured Boromir, still holding Legolas. The Elf sniffled a little, and Aragorn felt his body go limp in his arms. He pulled back and gave him a light shake, but the Elf did not stir. "He has lost conciousness.." the ranger said, rolling his eyes. He picked Legolas up bodily and began walking back to the horse. 

"What about your lady friend?" Boromir asked from behind, gathering Legolas' bow, quiver, and guitar. "Does she still wait in the tower?"

Aragorn suddenly stopped and dropped Legolas' prone body onto the ground. He gasped and looked up. "You are right, Boromir! My lady awaits me." he looked around, then shrugged. "Well, since there is no ladder around then I shall climb."

He immediately jogged to the base of the tower and gripped the cracks of the bricks with his finger tips, pulling himself up slowly. Boromir let out a sigh and shrugged, hopping on his horse to go back and fetch the Hobbits. 


	5. tale of a Dwarf arresting Gondor's capta...

a/n: Chapter five is finally here! Yay! Took me long enough…anywho, I thought it was about time I thanked everyone that has reviewed so far. It's much easier just to read a fic and then leave rather than review it, so that's why I'm thanking you guys for taking the time to review. Those of you who are authors know it's very encouraging (especially when your fic is just a mound of silly nonesense). 

Thanks to Legoego, Bokhi, helm, SapphirePhoenix, Daylight, Bob (aragorn's mom), tuuls, Sam (yes, this is one of those 'believe in yourself fics' ^.^ ), kitsune, Rubi Granger, Jim Morningstar, ThePet, Fiona Bunny, Yibble Legnets, Shepherdess, Lil Loki Puck, Endomiel,  and last but not least Amanfalathiel. Phew! Lotta people ^.~ 

and onto the fic…

Chapter Five 

"We have an unconcious Elf, a fair maiden in dire need of being rescued and about six hundred Orcs waiting for the sun to go down so they can kill us. How do we proceed?" Aragorn called from his high position climbing up the tower to meet Arwen. 

Frodo shrugged, then jabbed a thumb at Boromir. "And what do we do with him?"

Pippin latched onto Boromir. "Can we keep him?" The human of Gondor frowned slightly and began to shake the hobbit off, but found he couldn't. 

"I suppose we could keep him!" Aragorn's fingers suddenly slipped and he would have fallen to his death had he not been the extremely attractive and heroic main character-ish person. He resumed climbing with caution. The ranger was almost three quarter's of the way there! He could already see Arwen's fair face in the dimming light; she was smiling again, and the sight of her beauty sent a rack and a tremor through his body. Which of course made him lose his grip and slide almost all the way down the tower until he caught himself at the halfway point.

"Really, Aragorn, this is impossible!" Boromir called up him, sword in hand. "At least allow me to go find a ladder of some…kind…" Boromir yawned and swayed a little, then fell over completely. Aragorn looked over his shoulder curiously, then looked at Sam and Frodo, bewildered.

"Did he just fall asleep?" 

"Let's check." Sam marched over and whipped out two frying pans. He slammed them together right over Boromir's head, and the man of Gondor sat straight up, eyes wide and blinking absurdly. Sam looked over his shoulder and gave Aragorn a thumbs up. "Asleep!"

Boromir frowned and got back to his feet, straightening his hair and brushing himself off. He noticed that all four of the hobbits and Legolas were staring at him. "What…?"

"You just…randomly fell asleep, friend Boromir." Legolas said, Elven eyes now blue and bright – the liquor's effect had worn off at last and he had regained conciousness. After a minute, the curious and beautiful features of the Elf crumpled into sobs, and he let his face fall into his hands. "It was me, wasn't it? I made you fall asleep!"

Sam, now wearing wire rimmed spectacles and a stethoscope, began walking around Boromir and nodded and 'hmmed' every now then. After a minute, he said, "I have come to the conclusion that Boromir is narcoleptic."

"And what do I have..?" Legolas sobbed, once again huddled in a little ball while his entire body shook with his sobs. "Chronic Ugliness or something?"

Sam walked over to Legolas and moved the stethoscope over his chest a little, nodded as though he were doing something that actually made sense, and pulled the Elf's mouth open. "Say ahh Legolas."

"Ahhh.."

Sam nodded once again and pushed his jaw back up. "No. Chronic depression."

Frodo grinned brightly at Sam. "You're very talented. What do I have?"

"Umm…do correct me if I am wrong, Hobbit friends, but are we not supposed to be finding a way to get the Lady Arwen down from this awful tower?" Aragorn's voice filtered down, and they all suddenly realized that he was farther up than before. He had finally made it to the top of the tower and was now in there with the fair maiden. 

Legolas wiped his eyes and peered through the blur of tears to see Aragorn and Arwen both waving down at them. Having Elven vision, he could see smears of red all over Aragorn's mouth and chin that was strangely the same color as Arwen's berry colored lips. He creased his brow in wonder.

"You made it up, friend Aragorn!" Legolas said happily, though his voice still held a flat note from having the sniffles. Crying would do that to an Elf… "What now? Ask it of me and I'll do anything to help you two down as soon as possible!"

Aragorn was silent for a minute and strayed a glance to Arwen, then smiled sheepishly. "Why don't you go with the others and find the best ladder you can!"

"Yes, and take your time!" Arwen called down, her voice sounding like music sweeping through the plains of Aragorn's soul, and his knees felt weak. But he was the manly hero and kept his footing. 

Boromir snorted. "Very well, Aragorn. We will return in the morning with the means to bring the two of you down safely. But may I suggest you stay in that tower through the night, for the Orcs will certainly return." he threw another shrug to them. "And at least _try_ to keep your guard up, Aragorn."

The man of Gondor grasped Legolas' arm and pulled him along, the Hobbits just followed. Legolas picked his guitar up on the way there and a few other things, while Boromir made sure his weapons were all intact. The hobbits took the role call.

"Gamgee!" 

"Here."

"Brandybuck!" 

"Here."

"Took!"

"Pippin…that's you."

"Oh. Here! Baggins..?"

"Present."

Pippin grinned. "Good."

"Let us make haste, hobbits." Boromir said, mounting his horse and allowing Legolas to get infront of him while the Hobbits all piled behind him. "Is everybody buckled up?"

"Yes." the hobbits lied.

"_I_ am." Legolas chimed, fingering the strap that held him onto the horse. 

"Good. Let's go."

Half an hour had passed and the sun was getting low in the sky, meaning the Orcs would soon be free to come out and start them to slabs of raw meat, so Boromir decided it would be good to find a place to sleep for the night. Prefferably a place with a sunlamp. Time passed slowly and not a sound was heard, but darkness had finally fell and Boromir grew nervous. Suddenly, as though appearing from nowhere, two lights began flashing over the horizon.

It was a man of short stature running on short legs with two short torches in his short hands and making ridiculous high pitched short (well, not really) siren wails. As it came closer, Boromir saw it to be a Dwarf. 

"Halt there!" it ordered, and Boromir's horse came to a stop. The Dwarf examined the horse and then nodded, and Boromir narrowed his eyes at the plastic name tag on his tunic: Gimli. "Name, please." He pulled out a pen and a pad of familiar looking paper. "Oh, and I'll need to see your rider's liscense."

Boromir raised an eyebrow, then frowned. "What for?'

"No seat belts." 

Gondor's captain frowned deeper and cleared his throat, holding up a neon arrow that pointed to the strap that went across his thighs and the strap that held the Elf infont of him. Gimli noticed but still shook his head and jerked a thumb at the Hobbits behind him. Boromir tried to whirl in anger at the Hobbits but ended up cracking his back.

"You little…pathelogical liars!" he growled, and the Hobbits all cringed behind one another. Boromir muttered a few curses and pulled the clasps of the leather strap apart, dropping heavily on his feet and off the horse. Gimli tapped his foot impatiently as Boromir removed his rider's liscense. 

Gimli glanced at it and his brows went up. "Expired, I see.."

"What?!"

"Kidding."

Boromir grumbled and snatched it back, pocketing it. Then, as though just realizing it, he pointed to Gimli and stated, "You're half my size.."

The Dwarf folded his stubby arms and glared the tall man in the eye. A small growl seemed to eminate from deep in his throat as he prompted, "So..?"

The tall man grabbed the ticket and tore it in half then tossed it over his shoulder. "So I do not have to take this foolishness! Move, short one!" Boromir snarled, and Gimli immediately became enraged. He ground his teeth and unfolded his arms; curled his fists. Instead of launching himself at the human he quickly scribbled down a ticket with a fee of well over the usual one pound note and slapped it onto Boromir's horse. Then he looked at Boromir with a smug, ugly smile.

"See you in court!" 

Legolas gave a heart broken sigh and dismounted and put a gentle hand on Boromir's writhing shoulder. "Boromir, please…settle down." the Elf's pleasant voice did not reach the human's ears, and with another snarl, Boromir dive tackled the Dwarf. 

Legolas wailed in distress, gripping Boromir's heavy leather jerkin and pulling him off of Gimli. Unfortunately, the Dwarf had an ax head with him and clocked Boromir in the temple. Boromir crumpled to the ground, bringing Legolas with him. More sirens (or attempted sirens made by Dwarves) filled the night air, and eventually the horse and it's occupance were surrounded. More Dwarves pulled Boromir's prone form from Legolas and then disarmed and handcuffed the Elf. 

They began to tow away the horse, and Legolas once again broke into sobs. The Hobbits were all tied together and hauled off, and the last thing Legolas saw as he was shoved into a carriage was nothing because his tears blurred his vision and he eventually began drinking again. 

--- --- ---

"Where on Earth did you pick these six up?"

Gimli smiled with pride. "I do not remember."

Legolas, who now had his face buried in Boromir's shoulder, continued to sob while Gondor's captain patted his back with one hand and held an ice pack to his head with the other. They were in a cramped cell with no room to do anything but sit (and in Legolas' case cry all over Boromir). Finally, Legolas pulled away and sniffled a bit, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. Boromir rolled his eyes.

"You Dwarves do not understand." he snapped, and his head still throbbed painfully. "I am on a quest with Aragorn son of Bob to help save Middle Earth from the threat of the Deodorant! I cannot stay here in a cell with a sobbing Elf until I die of old age!"

Legolas whimpered a bit and moved to his side of the cell, tucking his legs beneath him and allowing an occasional sniffle and moan. The Hobbits were not being held captive, for they had made fast friends with the Dwarves and had become instant drinking buddies. Gimli marched back and forth infront of Boromir and Legolas' cell but did not reply to anything they said. Legolas eyed his guitar and bottle longingly while Boromir continued to complain, and the Hobbits resumed their drinking and laughing.

But suddenly, they all heard a terrible noise: a dreadful pounding on the doors. Gimli made his way over to the peep hole and shrieked. 

"It's Lurtz!"


	6. tale of an unloved, unwanted Uruk-hai fi...

a/n: Thank you all (Endomiel, boromirfan, michett and Meir Brin)  for your reviews! This chapter is, of course, silly and makes no sense but then again the entire fic is silly and makes no sense. 

Hope you all enjoy!

**Chapter Six**

Legolas sniffled softly and did not move despite the commotion around him. His head was resting on Boromir's broad chest and his fist was curled around the neck of his random alcohol bottle that he always seemed to have with him. Boromir shifted from under him and he heard the sound of scampering Dwarf and Hobbit feet.

"Gimli, it's your turn to stay behind and hold the fort!" a thickly accented Dwarf voice bellowed as the other Dwarves evacuated the station through a door in the back of the room. The last one saluted him and then left, closing and locking the door behind him from the outside. Gimli panicked and turned to the Hobbits, who promptly ran into the cage with Boromir and Legolas and locked themselves in.

"What are you doing?!" Gimli bellowed as the pounding on the door increased. Realizing their motive (who would not want to be close to the Captain of Gondor in a moment such as this?) he opened the bars and locked the cell. It was now terribly crowded. Boromir was shoved against the bars with Legolas pressed against his back and the Hobbits pressed into his side. Gimli was jammed between the wall and Merry and Sam. 

"Oh, this is just perfect, you imbecile of a Dwarf!" Boromir bellowed, which only made Legolas begin to cry and shake. "Now we are sitting ducks!" 

"We are all going to die!" Legolas sobbed, and Boromir felt the Elf wrap his arms around him from behind and sob into his shoulder blades. Boromir rolled his eyes in misery as the doors were broken down and a particularly ugly Uruk-hai soldier stumbled in, holding a particularly dangerous looking blade. 

He looked around the room, and his eyes fell on the people stuffed in the cage. "Lurtz want to kill!"

Legolas gripped Boromir tighter and whispered to the Hobbits, "Did you hear that? He said he wanted to kill!"

"I hope he doesn't have a taste for Hobbits.." Frodo whispered back. "I have an idea…why don't we let him have his way with Boromir?"

Boromir turned to glare at Frodo. "What?!"

"Well…you _are_ the only one of us that can fight besides Legolas.." Pippin agreed, and ducked when Boromir swung a fist in his direction but kept on talking. "You could probably beat him!"  Boromir scowled at all the hopeful faces that stared at him with huge puppy eyes.

"Lurtz FIGHT!"

"You heard him!" Frodo piped. "Lurtz fight! You owe me this, brother!"

Boromir quirked an eyebrow, wondering exactly why he owed the Halfling anything but a kick in the lower extremities, but pulled himself shakily to his feet with a ragged sigh. "Alright, alright. I will do it, but do not even _start_ to fancy that I am doing it for you ungrateful rat-catching nut hooks!" Merry began to giggle, and Boromir shot him an ugly glare. "What?!"

"Rat-catching nut hooks?"

"Silence, Halfling." Boromir, after nearly trampling the cell's occupancy and getting a boost off of Gimli's helmet, stumbled out of the cell and dusted himself off. Immediately after he had left, the Dwarf and Hobbits shut the barred door and locked it again from the inside. Boromir snorted, rolled his eyes and held up a hand for Lurtz to wait a moment, moving to get his sword. 

"Lurtz fight tiny pathetic beardy man!" Lurtz boomed in a very animalistic voice, and hammered his hands on his chest. Boromir waited for the attack. Lurtz just moved right in, and Boromir thrust his blade straight into the chest of the Uruk-hai. Lurtz shook with laughter and pulled the blade out effortlessly and tossed it to the side; out of Boromir's hands and onto the floor. "Beardy man make Lurtz bleed but Lurtz no care! Lurtz want kill beardy man!"

"Boromir, be cautious!" Legolas shouted. "He said he wants to kill you!"

"I heard him, Legolas!" Boromir bellowed, and tried to think through the sudden panic that overcame him.

"Lurtz want to tear out beardy man's bones and sell them to Saruman so Saruman make muffins and give Lurtz extended vacation to Dunland!"

"Boromir, run!" Legolas called again, and his voice shook with fear and emotion. "He said he wants to steal your bones and sell them to Saruman so that Saruman can make muffins and give him an extended vacation to Dunland!"

"I heard him, Legolas, _thank you_." He snapped through clenched teeth, then tensed in further wonder. "Why would anyone in their bloody right mind want to go to Dunland?" Then it further occurred to him that Lurtz, of all creatures, was not in his right mind.

"Lurtz like Dunland!" the Uruk-hai shouted defensively, then stooped and tossed Boromir effortlessly over his shoulder with a laugh. Boromir looked at the people in the cell with a bewildered expression. 

"Where is he taking me?!"

"Come back with our friend, you foul beast!" Legolas ordered through the cage, and Lurtz turned around with a sneer.

"Is Elf man going to cry if Lurtz doesn't?" he began to roar with laughter when suddenly there was a gut-wrenching noise and he toppled to the ground. Boromir scrambled to his feet and stumbled away from the body, then gave everyone else a triumphant grin.

"What did you do, friend Boromir?" Legolas asked, wiping his eyes of fresh tears. 

"I always keep a copy of People in my back pocket." Boromir explained, and kept the triumphant grin on his face while pulling what seemed to be a rolled up magazine from Lurtz' back, then tossed it over to the now open cell. Pippin was the first to get his little mitts on it and his eyes widened as he skimmed through it.

"Boromir, who is Hugh Hefner?"

Three hours later… 

"I cannot believe you defeated Lurtz, Boromir." Legolas said in awe. A box of Kleenex was planted next to him along with his usual bottle of alcoholic products and a list of negative traits he held, and he sniffled softly every once in a while. "It was nice of Gimli put our cell away from Lurtz' cell."

"Yes, well, whatever 'hospitality' the Dwarf has shown us I still say we should be treated better than our belongings." Boromir snarled, trying not to shiver or show that he was cold. He was clad only in his breeches and socks, as was Legolas – Gimli had stripped them of their belongings (quite literally) about three hours ago. The Elf next to him was openly shaking with the chill in the air, while the Hobbits and Gimli drank beer by the fire.

"Aye…and to think you defeated Lurtz and you are still being treated so ill.." he took a long swig of his drink, and then offered it to his cellmate. Boromir shook his head (no need to get drunk with an Elf). "You must feel quite worthless. If you feel anything like me, that is punishment enough for assaulting the Dwarf."

The Elf prepared to take another swig, but Boromir snatched it from him and down the rest of the bottle himself. Legolas slapped his shoulder. 

"Good for you, Boromir, good for you!"

Gimli, suddenly, began rattling the bars. "Both of you, we have another problem! About twenty or thirty Uruk-hai are about to burst through that door!"

Boromir was instantly on his feet, and Legolas next to him. "What?!" 

"Thirty Uruk-hai?!" Legolas wailed, then began to sob with fear and grief. "Oh…now it will truly all end…Ai, why did I not live when I had the chance?!" Boromir grabbed the Elf with both arms and quickly exited the newly opened cell. 

"This way." Gimli ushered them all out the door, Lurtz included. But he stopped Lurtz before the Uruk-hai could exit. "Lurtz, you are free to go. Do you not want to join the other Uruk-hai?"

Lurtz shook his head, and before anyone could anticipate his next move, he wrapped both arms and lifted Boromir (with Legolas) up in a bear hug. "Lurtz stay with Boromir and depressed Elf man! Lurtz love Boromir and want to read Hugh Hefner magazine with Boromir!"

"I will have you know that the magazine was not mine." Boromir replied in a strangled tone, but Lurtz only hugged him harder and forced a yelp out of him.

"Lurtz love Boromir!" he sniffled. "Lurtz is not accepted by other Uruk-hai. Other Uruk-hai laugh and call him names. Never let poor Lurtz join any Uruk-hai games. But then one foggy mid-summer's eve Saruman came and say, "Lurtz, go kill beardy man." So Lurtz tried to but failed. Lurtz no go back!"

By the end of the tale, not one eye was dry (especially not Legolas'). 

"Then come with us, Lurtz! We'll let you join our…ehh…multi-racial games!" Gimli exclaimed, and the rogue Uruk-hai gave a cheer. Together, all piled on the same horse (Man, Hobbit(s), Elf, Dwarf and Uruk-hai), they rode off into the night while the other Uruk-hai completely demolished the entire Dwarf-police station but stopped to watch a Martha Stewart collection on how to make your bathroom a kingdom using pastel colored towels and shower curtains.

From that day on, every Uruk-hai that had invaded the police station had decided that it really was a wonderful life and were thankful for a second chance at it. And in the after-days it was said that they knew how to keep house well, if any fell beast alive possessed the knowledge.  

As for our Heroes, you'll just have to read on. 


	7. tale of an Elven maiden and her schnooku...

a/n: Thank you all for your reviews! Special thanks to Sam for the title, lol. ^.^

disclaimer: I'm broke, I own nothing and I do not and would not like to own N'Sync or any of their music. 

**Chapter Seven******

"Aragorn!" Boromir had widened the mouth of the horn of Gondor and was using it as a megaphone. "Aragorn, come down here right now, we must leave right now! Right now!" he dropped his arms to his sides in resignation. "Eh, is he even listening to a word I am saying?!"

Legolas took a swig of his liquor and shook his head. "Probably not."

Boromir exhaled sharply through his nose and threw his hands in the air. "Oh, why do I even bother? He's up there with that sticky tart of an Elf maiden and they are probably necking like two leeches on a hemophiliac!" The other members of the little crew blinked at him, but Lurtz tromped up and slapped a warm hand on Boromir's back. The captain of Gondor was sent flying forward, but Lurtz did not seem to notice.

"Lurtz help! Lurtz love Boromir!"

"Why is that not a comforting thought?" the captain shook his head and crawled wearily back to his spot on the log next to Legolas, where the Elf offered him a drink. He declined. Lurtz marched up to the tower and slammed one of his massive fists into the side of it. 

It rumbled, and a very feminine shriek could be heard from the very top. Minutes later, Aragorn stumbled to the window and looked down. 

"May I help you?" 

"Friend Aragorn son of Bob, are you not going to continue your quest for the missing deodorant?" Legolas called up, his clear voice piercing everyone's ears and nearly shattering the bottle in his hands. "If our world is truly at stake then we must leave and seek the deodorant right now, as Boromir says!"

Aragorn looked kind of disappointed, but nodded. "Right, then. I will be down in a minute." he looked at Lurtz and raised his eyebrows. "Tell me…who is this charming young man, Boromir? And…why is he squeezing the life out of you…?"

Legolas glanced over to see that what Aragorn had described in question, and turned his gaze back to Aragorn. "He is Lurtz. We found him when we got arrested and escaped from the other non-fun loving Uruk-hai and let him join us. As you can see,' he waved a graceful hand to where Boromir gasped for breath. "…he as grown quite attached to Boromir."

Aragorn nodded and held up a finger for them to wait, then disappeared once more into the tower.

Up in the tower, Aragorn turned to the fair maiden Arwen and took her hands in his. "Oh, Lady Arwen, fairest of all beings, come with me! Be at my side when I destroy the missing deodorant and save all of Middle Earth from torment!" 

Arwen covered her mouth with both hands as if she had said something horrible, and turned her eyes away. "Alas, I cannot, my dear Aragorn. I am only a frail maiden and would not last one minute in the cruel world.." 

"I would protect you, Lady!" Aragorn cried, and took clasped both her hands to his solar plexus. "Can you not feel my heart about to breech the walls of my chest with excitement? I love you, and if you do not come with me then I shall not leave!"

Arwen felt tears well up in her eyes because there had to be some romance in this story sometime and tears always seem to go with romance. "Oh…Aragorn…if you care for me that much and cannot complete this task without me, then I shall go!"

Aragorn grinned drunkenly and leaned in closer. "Kiss me."

Arwen blushed and gasped softly, then said, "No…you kiss me. If I kiss you the readers will label me a whore."

Aragorn blinked. "Right." and then he seized her soft lips in a passionate kiss. Arwen, being the respectable and chaste Elven princess she was, brought her hand to the back of his head and forced the kiss to be an even fiercer one. Aragorn soon lost his footing and brought Arwen down on top of him. Quickly and carefully, he instantaneously flipped their positions so that he was atop her and not her on him.

He supported himself above her with his palms flat on the ground and his mouth hovering inches from hers.

"Oh, Aragorn.." she breathed, her chest rising and falling with every heavy breath (and her dress seemed to ride lower and lower with every breath she took). "Be my king…kiss me again.." Aragorn kissed her once more, this time using the wonderful instrument known as the tongue. Arwen squirmed with delight under him, and forced him down on top of her.

Down on the ground, all sitting around a campfire that had been lit with the aid of Legolas' liquor, the Company waited.

And waited.

And waited.

"How long does it take the man to pack?" Frodo wondered aloud, and only received grumbles and groans in reply. "Just curious…" he muttered, and looked to Legolas, who seemed to be staring sadly at the fire that consumed his precious liquor. "Legolas, why don't you sing for us?"

"Why me?" Legolas asked in a broken voice, chin on his pale hands. "You four are the boy-band…and I am certain you are leagues better than I at the art." New sobs rose up in his chest and one of Lurtz' big arms went around his shoulders.

"Elf man no cry. Lurtz like Elf man."

"T-Th-thank…you…Lurtz." Legolas croaked between sobs, and buried his face in the Uruk-hai's shoulder. Gimli just rolled his eyes and looked to the Hobbits.

"Are you four not supposed to be singing? Hmm?"

"Well…" Sam looked to the ground. "We're a little shy.."

"Go on then!" Gimli bellowed. "You will never get anywhere sobbing like a drunken Elf!" Legolas wailed and Lurtz stroked his back. "Get on with it!"  Frodo motioned for the other hobbits to stand, and they all lined up before the fire. Frodo began in an abnormally high voice. 

--- --- --- 

"You are all about to embark upon a great crusade – " Saruman paused and squinted down at the crowd of unconcious Orcs and Wild Men, then threw his hands up; exasperated. "Not again! Every time I bloody organize an army to reek havoc upon the Earth they always slip into comas! You!" he looked to Gollum as the bent over creature entered. "Tell me you have brought me the deodorant!"

"Nay, master, I.." Gollum suddenly felt his gag reflexes leap up in alert and waved his arms frantically as though they would help him breathe. "My Lord…please! Put your arms down!"

Saruman rolled his eyes and dropped his arms at his sides. "Well?"

"I was pursued." he gasped. "Chased by a nassssty drunken Elf!"

Saruman stroked his beard. "I see…we will have to dispose of these nuisances…" there was a faint 'ding' in the distance. "Gollum! Go check the brownies."

"Yes, master."

--- --- ---

"Hey, hey! Bye, bye, bye!" Frodo turned and did a strange maneuver that involved swinging a fist above his head and thrusting his pelvis out while the other hobbits copied him. "I'm doin' this tonight – "

"Enough!" Boromir cried. "That is terrible, what is that?!"

Pippin and the other hobbits sat heavily down, now looking very blue. "Our song."

"It was hideous." Boromir shuddered, but looked around him. The tower seemed to be shaking, and he scowled and called absently, "Lurtz, stop hitting the tower."

"Lurtz no hitting tower." Lurtz replied, still comforting Legolas. The Elf sniffled and looked up to the tower, and narrowed his eyes. His Elvish ears must have picked something up that the others did not, because seconds later he yelped.

Boromir shot to his feet. "Should we go and check on them?"

Legolas, trembling and traumatized, shook his head. "No…whatever you do, my friend, _do not_ check on them!"


	8. tale of a marching er-jack parade o...

**Chapter Eight**

So the long hours finally passed and Aragorn came down from the tower with his lady hanging onto his arm adoringly. Never had such a company been seen before: A not-so-lone ranger, a narcoleptic river guardian-wanna-be, a fair maiden, a drunk and chronically depressed elf, a crime fighting dwarf, a boy band consisting of four hobbits and an unloved unwanted Uruk-hai that had finally found his place in the world. When Aragorn had fallen off the path and actually back tracked to Bree, they picked up Gandalf and went to go see a strudle-wrestling match. At the strudle-wrestling match they met a very beautiful girl and her brother, who decided to join the quest after Boromir refused to pay them to yodel. (Yes, Eowyn and Eomer!)

Two days later they were back on track, and believe it or not, so was the plot! The author was very pleased with herself, seeing as how she had just made a rhyme.

However, in the dark towers of Merlainia's mountains, Saruman and his faithful close-pin-on-the-nose minion Gollum were watching Donny Osmond in 'Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat' through the paperweight. Unfortunately, the image changed right when the ever-attractive Pharaoh began 'Song of the King' and Saruman saw the troop of idiots making their way through the enchanted forrests of Slothmorion. He immediatley shot to his feet and gripped his staff.

"Gollum, look! The Uruk-hai have also failed us! The lone ranger is still alive!" Gollum quailed at his words and curled into a little ball at the end of the couch, but Saruman continued to gaze into the paperweight. "This is terrible! Is Slothmorion not but thirty miles from the mountains of Merlainia?!"

"It is."

"We're screwed." Saruman plopped back onto the couch, and a long silence followed. "It's completely hopeless, there is no way we're going to win this."

"My lord, they haven't found the deodorant." Gollum stood on his skinny little legs and said, "There's hope! We'll send an army of our worst smelling, best fighting Uruk-hai to intercept them! And then we'll set out for the deodorant in disguise as traveling gypsies! I'll be Roseanne and you can be Esmerelda!"

Saruman rose an eyebrow. "Since when are you the brain of this duo?"  

"I'm not sure."

Saruman sat back. "And how do you expect to pull this off, pray tell?" Gollum leapt onto the coffee table and broke into song, 

"It will be Spectacular! Spect – " 

Saruman put a hand up. "No! I'll take your word for it, let us set forth as the gypsies Esmerelda and Roseanne!"

--- --- --- 

Meanwhile, back on the journey to Slothmorion, our heros were in the middle of a big decision.

Gandalf sat down on an old tree stump and folded his knarled staff on his lap. "I have been meaning to tell you, my friends, how unbelievable pathetic you have all been." The old man looked serious, so all grins immediately ceased and turned into puzzeled whats.

"Pathetic, Gandalf?" Aragorn asked, standing some distance from the wizard but directly in front of him. The rest of the possee looked on at Gandalf in startled wonder from behind Aragorn, which only made the wizard want to crawl away and die as a result of their stupidity even more. "How have we been pathetic?"

"Well, Aragorn, you see…it has been a month and travellers seem to be sticking to you like flies, but you have only moved as far as Slothmorion. And we are not even there yet!" Gandalf tried to put the words into simple ranger-friendly terms, and it seemed to work. After a moment of silence, "I was beginning to consider finding a new Hero for this quest. All you seem to have been doing is making friends with very…strange and demented people."

Legolas popped gracefully up from behind Aragorn and latched onto the ranger's arm, giving Gandalf a very broken frown. "Aragorn has been gathering people to help him on this dangerous quest! Of course we are not all…perfect…and beautiful…and brave.." Legolas voice began to crack, and from somewhere behind them Boromir's voice muttered, 

"And mentally stable."

Legolas burst into tears and Boromir received a number of glares, but Aragorn continued, 

"Gandalf now we have enough people to find the deodorant and destroy it!" his face lit up as the heroic music began to wind softly on the breeze and pick up the ends of his hair as he straightened his posture. "Come my friends! Let us destroy this menace! I will lead the way!"

Gandalf put a hand over his eyes when the sound of cheerful music came from somewhere in the blue of the dusk. Wherever it came from, whatever it was, Aragorn liked it and leapt up into a convienent log that lay amongst it's scattered brothers on the floor of the forrest. When the rest of the company had assembled in a cracker-jack parade line behind him they all broke out into a song that would have made Broadway critics shudder and pray for the Apocolypse. 

And off they stomped until night was nearly over, singing and singing until finally even Legolas' voice grew hoarse and they all collapsed onto the ground, gasping and coughing. Frodo lifted his head wearily and asked, "Aragorn…is it morning yet?"

"No…but we've got to keep marching. All the way to Slothmorion."

"But do we have to sing the same bloody song?!" Boromir bellowed, and behind him Arwen groaned from their seat on Silver (Aragorn refused to let the lady walk). 

"Yes, Aragorn my love, perhaps singing is not the best strategy…" Arwen put in, and Gandalf came to stand next to the horse.

"Did it occur to you that the hideous droll of your voices are alerting every fell presence on this side of Merlainia?!" The old man shook his head and began to walk ahead once more. Aragorn looked from companion to companion, and frowned at they way they all sat down in exhaustion.

"You cannot give up now! We're almost to Slothmorion! If we do not make it then – "

"Yes, we _know_ Aragorn." Gandalf said. "Shall we progress?"

Everyone wearily climbed to their feet and moved into their line. They all hopped up onto a long path of fallen trees and such with unnatural grace. Finally, they arrived in front of Slothmorion's gates.

The gates were abnormally high, and it took the entire company balancing Frodo on their shoulders to see over it. The hobbit peered into the silent forrest of Slothmorion, squinting his large blue eyes whilst the other members of the company (excluding the ladies, Aragorn and Legolas) shouted insults and threats, demanding him to hurry up. He did not reply, but thought he saw something very strange. A blond elf that appeared to be aiming straight at him with a perculiar arrow…

Swish! The arrow hit him square in the chest and made the entire company fall over, hard, onto the grassy floor of the forrest. Frodo gasped and choked, looking at the arrow that was vellcrowed to his shirt and pulled it off. The  (now recovered) company all gasped in horror. 

Frodo had been hit with a jerk badge.


End file.
